Eat shit and Die

So my room mate never came home
I guess he got lost on the way home
for the last time

I guess some gang got him
Or maybe that little on the side
Business
finally got him beat up

I mean one thing’s for sure
He sure as Dumbledore’s
fashionable clothes and cool beard decoration
did not get laid

I’m sad
I really am
He was a cool guy

He always made sure
the fridge was stocked
And he cooked too

Not just for himself
He even made my bed
That kinda sounds like it rhymes
But it doesn’t
Weeeeeird

What is this sorcery!

But now I hope he never comes back
Because if he does
I’ll be in big trouble

Big, big, trouble
It’s pretty pathetic
but I’d rather him have to
Eat shit and Die
Than come home to what I’ve done and be heartbroken

I ate all his Harry Potter books
I’m sorry okay!

I just…I don’t know

I like books
And I like to eat them
I have to have them
become part of me

And before you get weird on me
just think:
I could be wanting to eat J. K. Rowling
so her genius could
become part of me
but I don’t
I just want to eat her books

But it does get worse
Much worse
Truth is: I have magical powers now

Every time I have to ahem
use the restroom
Magic pops out
And I never know what’s gonna happen

It’s like a Jumanji game
inside my asshole
And if you don’t know
what I’m talking about
You are a sad person

You’re probably thinking:
“I’m a sad person? Me? You talkin’ to me?
Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you
think you’re talking to?”

My father looks like him.
Don’t worry, he’s a nice guy.

Yea, you, even though I’m the sad one
I just named something
“Eat shit and Die”

That’s all right
That’s what magic’s for
To fix things

Even though it doesn’t really fix things
The doors are always
locking and unlocking
Safe doors, car doors. hell!
Chastity belts are being unlocked

I got child protective services
knocking on my door
Priests wanna bless me
Jo’s filing a lawsuit

There are three headed dogs just chillin’ on my couch
I just used that word…
I can write shitty poems that aren’t poems
but “chillin’” is just too far dammit!

That’s not who I am!
Don’t you get it
It’s not me
I don’t shit magic spells

There are elves walkin’ around like
“Hey! You got any food, we’re starving here!
Where is your room mate?
Who’s gonna cook?”
But all I can think about is how ugly Ron got

And how before I ate all those books
I rolled around naked in them
And I got all these paper cuts

Then I licked my paper cuts
Like a wounded and loyal dog
And I cut my tongue on all the pages
I tried to eat
because I stuffed too many
in my mouth
all at once
And now I have this wonderful taste
of blood
always in my mouth
and I think I’m starting to like it

I found a note from my room mate
It said:
Off to Hogwarts sucka, it ain’t ever too late
Just follow your dreams playa
Imma be eatin a feast with the big D

PS. Eat shit and Die